The Demon Deer of Dewees

Alright campers, it’s time to grab your marshmallows and gather around the campfire because it’s time to hear the entirely true story of what happened to me on the island the other night. So here we go…..

It was a night like any other. After my normal routine of drinking a bottle of wine and drunkenly cleaning the house, i retired to my bedroom. After my usual cocktail of melatonin, I drifted off to sleep. And when I say drifted, I mean I probably looked like a person in the nyquil commercials who is snoring so loud that the paint on the walls is peeling.

I was completely unaware of the hell that awaited me.

PAUSE: ok, for the rest of this to make sense, it’s important to know that under the beach house we have a motion light. This keeps us from driving into the side of the house at night. Which I’ve never done…

ANYWAYS. BACK TO THE SCARY STORY.

As i dreamed blissfully about my condo being finished and beautiful, i was awoken by the worst thing i could possibly imagine.

….the motion light turned on.

Now this cued the most rampant stream of consciousness i’ve ever had. It went something like this:

OH MY GOD. I’M GOING TO DIE. I’M WEARING MY UGLY PAJAMAS AND I’M GOING TO BE MURDERED.They are going to find my body in these ugly pajamas.

WAIT. DID I PEE MYSELF?

(Checks under covers for urine….no pee)

Ok, well at least they’re not going to find me in a puddle of my own urine.

And then i heard a noise….

tap, tap, tap….

What the HELL is tapping under my house?! I also realized at this point that the tapping was coming from hooves. Something with hooves was under my house.

Ok, two options. One, Satan is under my house tapping around. Two, there are deer under the house. I seriously considered both options. But then it got even weirder….

The motion light turned off…and back on…and back off…and back on…. (cue eardrum shattering club music here)

This was the moment when i realized that the deer that were frolicking under my house (because i figured Satan would let himself on in) thought the motion light was a game. And because of their fun little game, my motion light now resembled a strobe light, and the deer that had probably more of social life than I were downstairs partying their furry asses off.

And i lay in my bed, covered in sweat, and fearing for the safety of my sanity and bladder.

I’ve really arrived in the world, ladies and gentlemen.

I’m kind of an adult now….?

Hello all,

I know, I know. I’m an embarrassment to the craft of writing because I haven’t written in forever, and so on and so forth….. I know. But I’ve had a lot of stuff, really good and really bad, happen and I’m just now able to maybe think clearly. So, if you can understand that, then know that I’m at a weird place in my life and trying to sift everything out. So, because talking about all the bad stuff makes me want to curl into a ball and chug a bottle of wine, we’ll stick with the good stuff for now. So many feelings….

Anyways, good thing #1- I got a job!!!! with benefits and things!! and it’s a fulltime job and I get paid fulltime money! weeeeeee! I’m sure there will be a post about the pros and cons of working full time. More on that soon. But so far I like my job, and that’s half the battle right?

good thing #2- I bought a condo!!! WHAT?? Oh I know, I didn’t see that coming. From the person whose prize possession is a laptop, this is a massive step. Unfortunately, I know nothing about home ownership. I’m sure this will spawn multiple posts, but it is exciting and terrifying all at once. So am I living in the condo I just bought? Not exactly…..
This is the next part of the story. Because the condo needs a lot of fixing up, I can’t move in just yet. So I am vested with the task of overseeing the renovations. Because I know exactly what I’m doing….. So where am I living you ask? Well, thankfully my parents own a beach house and are allowing me to stay there until renovations end.

Well, that’s awesome! You get to live in a beach house!
….Yes, it is awesome. But I forgot to mention that the beach house is on an island only accessible by ferry boat with no cars being allowed on the island. Only golf carts. And there are no stores or anything out there either. I just got internet out there and it’s been glorious.
So, to sum it all up, my life has become a lifetime movie. Girl moves to deserted island to find herself and repair her life. Girl also tries to avoid contracting malaria, ringworm, and being killed in the night by a serial killer. There will also be a post about these things because living on an island is never boring.

So I’m asking you to buckle up and bare with me, because as I’m discovering this being an adult thing is not as easy as I previously thought. But I promise to entertain you with stories of my utter stupidity and inability to function.

Okay, that’s all I’ve got. BYE! 

-Celeste

PS. Next up: The Demon Deer of Dewees…cause it’s an alliteration…..get it?!