The Demon Deer of Dewees

Alright campers, it’s time to grab your marshmallows and gather around the campfire because it’s time to hear the entirely true story of what happened to me on the island the other night. So here we go…..

It was a night like any other. After my normal routine of drinking a bottle of wine and drunkenly cleaning the house, i retired to my bedroom. After my usual cocktail of melatonin, I drifted off to sleep. And when I say drifted, I mean I probably looked like a person in the nyquil commercials who is snoring so loud that the paint on the walls is peeling.

I was completely unaware of the hell that awaited me.

PAUSE: ok, for the rest of this to make sense, it’s important to know that under the beach house we have a motion light. This keeps us from driving into the side of the house at night. Which I’ve never done…


As i dreamed blissfully about my condo being finished and beautiful, i was awoken by the worst thing i could possibly imagine.

….the motion light turned on.

Now this cued the most rampant stream of consciousness i’ve ever had. It went something like this:

OH MY GOD. I’M GOING TO DIE. I’M WEARING MY UGLY PAJAMAS AND I’M GOING TO BE MURDERED.They are going to find my body in these ugly pajamas.


(Checks under covers for urine….no pee)

Ok, well at least they’re not going to find me in a puddle of my own urine.

And then i heard a noise….

tap, tap, tap….

What the HELL is tapping under my house?! I also realized at this point that the tapping was coming from hooves. Something with hooves was under my house.

Ok, two options. One, Satan is under my house tapping around. Two, there are deer under the house. I seriously considered both options. But then it got even weirder….

The motion light turned off…and back on…and back off…and back on…. (cue eardrum shattering club music here)

This was the moment when i realized that the deer that were frolicking under my house (because i figured Satan would let himself on in) thought the motion light was a game. And because of their fun little game, my motion light now resembled a strobe light, and the deer that had probably more of social life than I were downstairs partying their furry asses off.

And i lay in my bed, covered in sweat, and fearing for the safety of my sanity and bladder.

I’ve really arrived in the world, ladies and gentlemen.


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