The Bitch That is Writer’s Block

This post is about the current clog that seems to be overcoming my brain. I’m not sure if its due to stress at work, or just the holidays in general, but lately I’ve felt like I can’t write a good post. I call this bitch, The Writer’s Block.

The Writer’s Block is the little devil that sits on my shoulder. It leers at me when I stare at my screen:

“ooooohhhhh, don’t have anything to write about? Better keep your day job”

This is the point when i usually flick the writer’s block off my shoulder, which only garners strange looks when people realize that I am indeed flicking and swearing at something that’s not there. I’m a little weird. Anyways, back to the story:

The writer’s block seems to appear when I feel run down. Because of  on going issues at work, it’s felt like lately I’ve become a zombie. I get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep. Rinse and repeat! I then plop myself down at my computer and tell myself- I am going to write something epic!

Then i usually search cats on youtube, and well you probably know how that goes.

I don’t think it works like that though, at least not for me. If it works for anyone else, then consider yourself lucky. People say that you’re supposed to write everyday, but some days there’s just nothing there. I write when I have something to say, and some days there’s just nothing. But when I write, I’m usually writing  because there’s something I need to work through in my brain. Basically, my mind is full of wine, cats, and worries about being an adult, so there’s a lot weird stuff in there. Sometimes, writing is the only way I can say what I really need to say. Sometimes it’s epic, and sometimes it’s shit. I don’t think creativity is just a switch that can be turned on and off. I think it’s something that you come to on your own schedule.

My point about writing and the ugly writer’s block devil is that the fat little bastard wants you to fail. He wants you to not write, and be miserable about it. Sometimes I have to think of my brain as a giant drain. When I get run down and tired and cranky (or i run out of wine) the drain gets clogged. I think this weekend I’ll be spending some time relaxing and trying to Drano my brain.

The online comic, The Oatmeal has a great piece about writing and creativity. My favorite quote from this is:

“Art is not born in a vacuum”

Our minds just aren’t conveyor belts that can continually crank out awesome content. Sometimes you get clogged up (take that as you will). Either way, tell the writer’s block devil to fuck off, and get yourself a glass of wine.

Unless you’re underage- get a glass of soda (your day will come, you poor souls)

-C

Paint Expectations (like Great Expectations…get it?)

This is a story about deciding what you want, and getting it.

Just kidding, this is a story about getting piss ass drunk, getting a wild idea, following through, and having a great outcome.

I know kids, it’s the feel good story of 20 friggin’ 14!

Most people associate “wild” ideas with getting tattoos, or getting married, or getting a car. What was my wild idea?

Re-painting the cabinets! I know, I hope you were all sitting down when you read that. It all started one Friday night, when the lady and I had a main entree of wine and a side of actual food, and of course were watching HGTV.

“You know what?!” I stuttered, reaching for the now sippy cup my wine was in (I had previously lost my privileges for drinking wine out of glass objects). I couldn’t tell if the lady couldn’t stop staring at my red stained teeth, or was just waiting for the synapses in my brain to piece together my next sentence.

“We should re- do the cabinets!” I declared ….and cue gesturing grandly, knocking over everything on the coffee table. I also lost the right to drink on the couch that night.

It wasn’t a horrible idea, in fact it was something I had always meant to do, but in the war of renovation, you have to pick your battles.

Previously, the cabinets were standard white, and stained with cooking disasters from the previous residents. I’ll put that hot mess here:

 

Here are my steps for successfully re-painting your cabinets:

1. Decide what color you actually want to paint them. I suggest doing this sober, as our drunken color ideas were probably not too solid. In the end, we decided to do an off white on the top, and a gray on bottom. I know, crazy right?

2. Go to Lowes, and try to resist the urge to not gauge your eyes out with a paint stirrer when you see that there are indeed one MILLION shades of white, and two BILLION shades of gray. Insert Fifty Shades of Gray joke here. Actually, more like Fifty Shades of WHAT THE FRIGGITY FRACK IS THE DIFFERENCE?!

3. After successfully leaving your eyeballs in tact, laugh at all the ridiculous names of the paint samples. Seriously, the white we chose was called Quail Egg.

I know, just let that sink in. I would love to know what poor Lowes Employee had to crawl their ass up a tree to see what color a Quail Egg is?!

4. Sit for a week pondering about how in the actual hell you are going to paint the entire kitchen. Doubt yourself. Doubt your existence.

5. Finally, come to your senses and wait till your one day Father-in-Law visits, and just so happens to be a cabinet maker. Make sad eyes. Conveniently have to go to work so that girlfriend and father can bond, and paint cabinets.

6. Come home and obsess over beautiful cabinets.

I know, I know, I totally opted out of that one. But would they really have been that beautiful if I had helped? Probably not. The reason this has taken so long to post (other than the fact I’ve been too busy drooling over cabinets) is that we also go a kitchen full of brand new appliances!! And a big reveal wouldn’t be the same without them. So here it is!!

 

My two favorite things: coffee and non leaking fridges.

 

After having to listen to a dishwasher that sounds like cannon fire every time it runs, this is a dream come true. If anyone needs me, I’ll be drinking wine and staring at the kitchen.

I’m still drinking it out of a sippy cup.

-C

If anyone is interested in learning more about kitchen painting, drinking a ton of wine, or both, please feel free to comment!

Learning to be Lost; Learning to be Okay with It.

For you to understand the my complex about growing up and turning out alright, you have to understand where I came from.

I grew up with two doctors for parents. My childhood was a mixture of on call schedules, looking at x-rays at the dinner table, and learning every medical term known to man. To put this in a clear perspective, my “birds and the bees” talk was comprised of a powerpoint, complete with diagrams and quiz after. I lived with two incredibly brilliant people, and I realized this from an early age. I listened to their stories of struggling to pay for medical school, of working three jobs, and of joining the Navy. Even at a young age, I understood that sacrifice was a necessary part of fulfilling your dreams. For some kids, two doctors as parents would have pretty much sealed the deal for a third MD in the house. But not me. If anything, it made me go the other way. I had no clue what I wanted to be, but I sure knew it wasn’t being a Doctor.

In a way, I think they were even prouder of me for that. But of course, this begged the question:

What am I going to be?

To be quite honest, I still don’t know. I’m 24.

To be fair, I grew up with two people who knew they would be doctors from age 12. I know, freaks. Meanwhile, I can barely pick something to watch on Netflix. I grew up with this idea that one day, you’d wake up, and you’d just know.

Well, I didn’t. And that scared me. A lot.

I went to college, and tried to major in International Business. I still count on my toes, so trying to tackle economics was not really my chosen path. But I realized that I loved the foreign language aspect of the major, especially Spanish. The fact that the human brain is intelligent to learn and understand another language is still incredible to me. So I majored in Spanish, and had absolutely no clue what I was going to do with it. But I learned how to speak Spanish, and I traveled through Europe.I never realized this, but my parents never did that. I realized that I was headed down a path very different from my parents, and this scared the hell out of me.

I graduated college, and babysat for a summer while figuring out what the hell I was supposed to do. And then, I applied for a random job in technical support that got me an interview and later a job offer. All the time I kept thinking, “Is this what I’m supposed to be doing?”

A year later, I’m still at said job and now pursuing a Masters in Information Technology. Coming from someone who could barely use Facebook, I would say I have come a long way since college. But I still get scared, in fcat I get scared all the time. I still wonder if I’m on the right path, and if what I’m doing is worthwhile. The voices in my head often remind that at this point my parents were doctors.

Well I’ve got news for you, neuroses, and anyone reading this.

You are not your parents.

You are you. A gloriously arranged compilation of cells, skin and organs. Your thoughts and feelings are yours alone.

You are dramatic, and brave, and scared all at the same time.

The only path that is right for you is the one you decide to take.

You just have to learn to put one foot in front of the other.

It’s incredible that as children we are taught to walk one step at a time, and we apply this mantra as we grow older. Our steps may be bigger, and longer and farther, but they are still steps.

It’s okay to not know if you’re going down the right path, but it’s not okay to stop walking.

-C

The Turkey-pacolypse: Thanksgiving 2014

Hello campers,

I’m sorry for the amount of time it took for me to write this all, but I just woke up from my wine and leftover food coma that I’ve been in for the week. I hope everyone’s Thanksgivings were great! In case you were interested, this is how my first Thanksgiving away from home went:

Actually, everything turned out awesome! Surprising, because usually everything I touch breaks or bursts into flames, but thankfully I have found a lady who is pretty much Martha Freaking Stewart. We started prepping everything the Monday before Thanksgiving, and we found this to be incredibly helpful. As I found, you will have way more things to do on the actual Thanksgiving day, so anything you can prep before hand helps. Here’s what we prepped in advance:

Place settings- I was informed that Chinet and China were not the same thing.

Finally got to use my Fancy place mats!

 

We also decided to put the food out onto the bar of our kitchen, because our kitchen is tiny, and there was no way we are all going to get in there to stuff our faces. We used a chalkboard runner, which is AWESOME because you get to draw and write all over it! It made for a really easy and creative way to display all the food. Doesn’t hurt that it was also 10 bucks!

Because wine is important, and should always be clearly marked

My AMAZING sangria!

 

The chalkboard paper ended up working great, and was ridiculously easy to do. For anyone who isn’t very crafty (me) it is an easy way to spice up the table!

Yeah, yeah, yeah….but how did the turkey look?

Well, after about five hours of worrying and googling everything turkey related, I would say it turned out pretty awesome. The reason is probably because I had nothing to do with the turkey, except making it dance on the counter top. The lady was not impressed. But here it is!

I’m not a turkey expert, but that’s a good looking turkey!

 

To say the least, after a combination of turkey, sangria, and everything else, I was in a catatonic state to say the least. But the day itself was relaxing and full of time to think about what the holiday is really about. It’s about having someone that loves you enough not to kill you for dressing up the turkey. It’s for the Dad who doesn’t mind 40,000 phone calls about what on earth giblets are, or if there are illegal substances smuggled into a sketchy bag inside of the turkey (no worries, they weren’t!). I think that it’s so easy to get wrapped up in work and school, that it’s important to have a day to relax and enjoy each other’s company. I’m so happy I got to spend Thanksgiving with the person I love, and that we’ll have many more to celebrate.

 

What I’m really thankful for (PS, the lady is on the right, if you can’t tell!)

Also thankful for this.

I hope you enjoyed this post, and had a great holiday! On the next episode of The Hot Mess Express…..

THE KITCHEN REDEMPTION, or the kitchen cabinets get re painted.

Stay tuned. It could get ugly.

-C

 

Happiness, and Weird Ways of Finding It

I think happiness is a tricky emotion, and I have struggled with it for a long time. The holidays always are a time for me to review the year and everything that has happened. It also serves as an emotional checkpoint for me. I think this checkpoint for me is the most important to date because I finally feel comfortable with myself, and most importantly, happy!

I think happiness is something that evolves as we  evolve. I think that the things that made me happy years ago don’t really do so now. I can remember when getting good grades made me happy (those were the days!) and now, getting a paycheck makes me very happy. But most importantly, I feel comfortable with who I am, and that makes me happiest of all.

For a long time, I struggled with what it meant to be happy. I struggled with being a person that made others happy, but not myself. False

Me, hugging Dennis the Dog. Because why not? Also, Dennis was not having it.

happiness is a very real thing, but unfortunately its results just aren’t that satisfying. For a long time, I thought that maybe I just wasn’t meant to be happy. I struggled with coming out and depression, and in my mind, I thought that happiness was just something other people found. It took a lot of bumps in the road for me to realize, that ultimately, I was my own road bump. I used my identity and my depression as crutches to avoid trying to  be happy. I think I was scared of being happy, and to this day I really don’t understand why. But I took the first step and I reached out, and asked for help. I began to doing research, and finding out gay role models and following their stories. YouTube was a huge outlet for me, and I still follow many LGBT accounts like Kaelyn and Lucy and What Wegan Did Next. I’ve never met these people but they showed me that it’s possible to be yourself and be happy. I’ve linked their YouTube pages here as well, so if you’re interested I highly recommend their videos! I’ve often toyed with the idea of one day starting my own YouTube channel, so i’d certainly be interested if anyone has any thoughts on that.

Wow, I just completely strayed from the point I was trying to make. Back to Business!

I think that for me, I had to be brave to be happy. I had to have a lot of uncomfortable talks, lose some friends, and eventually gain a lot more. I had to learn to be proud of who I am, and my mother has always said that once you’ve gotten yourself together, the right person will come a long. And she did! If you had told me that 5 years ago, I would’ve said HELL NAH! If you told me I would be writing about this five years ago, I would’ve said HELL NAH! But I did, and I think if it’s something you’re struggling with, you can too. Sometimes, you have to bet on yourself, and take a risk.

As always, I appreciate the feedback and everyone who visits the blog! Thank you!

And also,  HAPPY FRIDAY!

-C

A Great Day for South Carolina and Equality

Have you ever had a day that started out horribly? That made you dread just what fresh hell the rest of the day could bring?

That was my morning. You see, my lady and I seem to be running a close business to Noah’s Ark in our home. We have 2 cats, and a dog (which you saw earlier) and about 1,000 sq ft to contain them.

I know, we might be animal hoarders. In case you want a look at the critters, I’ve put them below:

 

Dennis the Dog

Thing 1 and Thing 2

 

The cats are the rulers of the roost, and though Dennis the Dog is rather big, he still cowers at the sight of the two kitties. The kitty that made my morning so miserable is the large black one. This demon’s name is Mishka. You could say Mishka values the finer things in life. For example, refusing to drink water out of a bowl, and only from a running faucet. He also likes to sing opera at odd hours of the morning. Which is exactly what he did this morning, at 5 AM. Though he does a mean rendition of Pucnini, it was not the way I wanted to wake up.

To make matters worse, our garbage disposal also decided to go on the fritz this morning. Why, world, why? I am gloriously domestically challenged, and by that I mean that I thought “check engine” in your car meant to physically check to see if the engine was there.

I’m pretty dumb.

Aside from these two setbacks, I went to work, only imagining what else could go wrong. But, I got a pleasant surprise. A Federal Judge in Columbia, SC has overturned SC’s marriage ban!!! In case you want the details, the link is here. This is huge for gay couples in the state, and obviously for me. You see, I grew up under the impression that the role of government was to reward the people for following the rules. So i followed them. I stayed in school, went to a public university (go cougars!) and got a job after graduation. And I cry every time my paycheck arrives cut in half from taxes. I did all the right things, but I couldn’t marry in my home state. Explain to me how that’s fair?

Human Rights Campaign

I am so overjoyed that South Carolina has finally realized that all kinds of love, are indeed love. When I think about marrying my lady one day, i don’t think about the fact that she’s a woman. I think about how great of a person she is, and all the adventures we will have. I think it’s time our views of marriage shift from a definition of gender, to qualities like fidelity and commitment. If two people are committed and wanting to spend their lives together, isn’t that enough?

To say the least, today’s events have made my day much better. This morning, I couldn’t marry in my home state, and now I can! What a great moment for equality, and South Carolina.

The Tricky Art of Being Yourself

I think as children we always have ideas of what we will be like as adults, what our lives will be like. For some reason, I imagined myself being a lot taller.

But I never imagined myself being gay. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I wasn’t gay then, in retrospect, I see now that there were clues all along. I always grew up being told that I should always strive to be myself, and no one else.

As I have discovered as an adult, this is much easier said than done.

Once I realized I was gay at the ripe old age of 17 (making high school really fun) I was faced with a moral dilemma. Because unfortunately in the small town I grew up in, being yourself did not mean being your gay self. What if being myself didn’t fit in with other’s expectations? I struggled through college with this idea as well. Basically i had two selves: my straight self and my real self. Suddenly being yourself felt like keeping the world’s biggest secret. It means constantly having to fabricate excuses and lies and pronouns to cover the truth. And I’m not that clever to begin with, so this was really difficult for me. But humor aside, secrets are heavy. After years of carrying them, i felt my back straining under the weight. So I made a decision when I began coming out to my family and friends, that I would only be my real self.

I did this about as gracefully as I would dance in the Russian Ballet.

It was awkward, and clumsy and horrible. How do you say, “i know i’ve been telling you i’m straight all these years, but actually i am utterly and completely gay. any questions?”

There were lots of questions, and lots of feelings. But with all of these awkward and uncomfortable moments, i realized that one by one I was shedding the secrets that had made their home on my back for so long. As each one disappeared, I walked a little taller, and I felt a little lighter.

When I started to be myself, I thought the world would end and the town’s folk would chase me out of the city with pitchforks. But really, it was the opposite. I moved to a liberal city and was met with a lot of support and acceptance. Life went on, and I went on. Looking back now, I can’t imagine going back to that double life, not when my life is so great now.

I’m not a therapist, nor am I qualified to give any advice. Unless you need help choosing a clearance wine at Target on 8:00 on a Tuesday night, cause I’ve got your back!

However, I do have experience, and experience has taught me this. No matter how scary or how unorthodox it is, being your authentic self is the absolute best thing in the world. Because that self is the most beautiful version of you. I hope if you’re reading this and going through anything similar, know that you’re not alone. There’s a community who all have your back. If anyone reading this ever needs someone to listen, my proverbial door is always open. I would say physically, but it’s cold y’all and heat ain’t cheap! I’ve put the link to my bio page here, and this includes my contact info. Trust me, I’ll do a happy dance in my fuzzy slippers if I hear from you!

I hope that wasn’t too preachy. Or stupid. It was probably both.

-Celeste

Veterans Day

Good Morning All,

So, while I’m trying to get my wits about me and this writing everyday business, I’ve been thinking a lot about the overall process of writing. I think that everyone writes differently, and every creative process is unique. I envy those who write novels, because I don’t know if I could ever commit myself to a long and well thought out story. My tales are always short and spastic, much like me in general. But I have discovered that we have to write about topics that mean something to us. Today, my mind is on veterans day, so that’s what I’ll be rambling about.

My father was in the Navy, and my grandfather in the Air Force. I grew up hearing stories about deployments and cruises. In my childhood mind, it all sounded romantic really. I remember my mother telling me that when she was a child, my grandfather was stationed in Spain. She recalls one Christmas Eve that he was able to call home, and could barely be understood because of the reception. However, as soon as my Mom was on the line, my Grandfather says that her voice was as clear as a bell. It made one difficult holiday away a little less difficult.

Shortly after my parents married, my Dad was sent to flight school to train as a flight surgeon. The Navy had paid his way through Medical school, and in return, it was his time to serve. Though he has always has spoken about the places he saw and the experiences he otherwise might’ve not had, I cannot imagine the dread that hung in the air the day they had to say goodbye. Coming from someone who cried their eyes out when leaving for study abroad, I cannot imagine the weight of watching that person walk away. These couples, and these have families have my infinite respect. I’m not that strong or that selfless, but thankfully there people out there that are.

I think it’s important to recount these stories, especially on a day like today. I think that storytelling is a lost art, and these stories effectively are the dusty mementos that become locked in the old trunks of our minds. I think actively recounting these stories is a way of digging up these trunks, opening them, and dusting off the souvenirs. I think it’s something we all need to do. I’ve recounted stories to myself dozens of times, but there’s something about telling a story that makes us really feel something. The good stories make us nostalgic, and the bad ones show us how far we’ve really come. So ask someone, especially a person currently serving or a veteran, to dust off some stories. Chances are, you’ll make their day, and it might just make yours as well. I think we’re all full of stories that are as unique as our DNA.

I know that had nothing to do with anything I said I wanted to write about, but I have to get these thoughts out somehow okay?!

Thank you for reading, please comment, and I will hopefully have more stories and ramblings up soon! Remember I’m always up for suggestions!

Hallelujah- it’s the weekend

Well, it was the weekend. Sorry for the late post you guys! 🙂

I don’t know about y’all, but weekends are sacred days for me. I work full time, and Monday through Friday, and by Friday I usually feel like I may just lose my mind. Fridays I think are the greatest days because they hold the promise of NOT having to wake up early the next day. Note: if you work on the weekend, I apologize, you brave souls.

What do you guys do when you’re not at work/school? Personally, I’m an errand runner. Usually during the week, I’m way too tired to deal with any of those pressing adult things. What do these things include? Ya know: laundry, cooking, peeling one’s self off the couch after guzzling wine. I’m not the only one who does that right?

Personally, it’s been a crazy ass couple of weeks. I know I just started blogging, so I’m going to try to bring you up to speed on the hot mess express that’s been rolling around here:

Working Hard or hardly working?

1. We got new windows in our condo! We signifies my lady and I- yes, we live together. This wouldn’t normally be a huge deal, but A. we live in a tiny condo and B. this has needed to be done since I bought the condo. As I quickly discovered, you have to choose your battles in the war of condo renovation. The process of replacing the windows meant two days filled with dust and two very upset cats. But it’s done, yay!

2. We got a dog! I know, two cats and we are adding another?? But we can’t help it! We rescued him from the Charleston Animal Society and he’s been the best boy! His name is Dennis, and we think he is a hound. He’s too cute and just follows us around the condo. He had some infections, and is just finishing a heart worm treatment, but is otherwise doing well!

So, in light of these busy past few weeks, I am looking forward to being lazy and not doing anything. What do you guys like to do on the weekends?

This post is also to gain some ideas from you all about what kinds of posts you would like to see. Do you like hearing about LGBT things? Life things?  Strange streams of consciousness like this post?? If i’m rambling, i’d like to be rambling about something that people will want to read.  So I’d appreciate it if you left a comment for me! Not like I’ll be waiting right by my computer or anything….

Yes, yes I will.

Have a lovely weekend you beautiful cherubs you!

-Celeste

Introducing the Elephant

“When there’s an elephant in the room, introduce him”
-Randy Pausch

I love this quote and I thought it was a great way to introduce my plan for re-vamping this blog. As I said before, I’ve done a lot of growing in the past year. The biggest growth I’ve had is that I have come to terms with who I am, and become okay with it. That’s huge! It’s only taken 24 years, but that’s a start right? Anyways, here is me introducing my elephant in the room.
It happens to be rainbow colored.

It’s a rainbow elephant, because I am gay. I know, a rainbow joke? Really Celeste?! You’re trying to become a serious writer and here you are going for the obvious joke.

Yes, I went for it. Yes, I’m always going to make that joke. Yes, I am talking to myself. Moving on:

I’ve known this about myself for a long time, and for a long time i tried to suppress it. But as I also said, I’ve fallen in love with someone who’s given me the courage to be authentic and be myself. This hasn’t been an easy process, and at some point there will probably be a post on the journey in itself. But, for now, know that my goal for this blog is to talk about my journey in hopes of reaching others. It’s scary for me to reach out, but it’s even scarier to think about not reaching at all. I hope you reach back and share your thoughts with me! Part of my learning experience has been listening to others, and now I’d like to contribute mine. I’ll be talking about big influences in my life, and answering any questions that come my way.

This is also the point where you may realize that this is a blog that you don’t want to follow. That’s okay. You may also realize you don’t want to follow me. That’s okay too. Just as long as we’re talking about on social media, cause stalking ain’t cool y’all. So if that’s the case, then i wish you a happy journey to other blogs. But if you’re interested in my journey, I invite you to read my ramblings, and I’ll read yours. I can already feel a sigh of relief as I write this. Growing up in the deep south, i was always told being gay made me different, but i soon realized it made me brave. Now, I realize that being gay didn’t make me brave; i made myself brave. 

Sometimes, I try to be deep, and I fail miserably. But I promise all the time to be real.

I’ll be posting more soon, and can’t wait to hear from y’all!

-Celeste